Today was day 12 of pure barre. It has been very challenging both physically and emotionally. I have never exercised so hard in my life. I have been fighting with myself to continue this exercise regimen, not so much because its so hard but because I haven't been seeing any changes and everyone in the class is so toned and fit it's depressing. According to what the teachers tell me, you should see a difference after just 8 visits. I have yet to see a difference. Okay, maybe my love handles look a bit smaller (or maybe its all in my head), but not the change I was expecting. I know it takes time, but its so hard to keep my motivation when the class is so challenging and I'm always so sore. I do have to say though, my back feels stronger and hasn't been bothering me so much (well I haven't really tried to lift anything heavy which was what would trigger the pain, so maybe it's really not stronger).
It has also been really hard to stick with exercising 5 days a week with all the work I have to do with school and research. I sometimes feel so focused on my exercise that I get so tired and unmotivated to do anything else and it takes over all of my thoughts and it's all I can think about. Pure Barre really wipes me out and I am always so tired and hungry. Maybe it will take a while to build up the stamina, but this is killing me. I feel as though I prioritize exercising over my research and that scares me too. Maybe that's not a good thing, maybe I shouldn't be so focused on exercising so much and instead should be spending the time on reading, studying and working harder. Maybe I shouldn't care so much about being fit, maybe I should focus on more important things in life. All these thoughts keep racing through my head and it's killing me.
It didn't seem so hard to lose weight years ago, but I think as one gets older, it gets harder. As I get closer to 30 (a very scary thought) I want to try to improve my health...but why is it so hard? What's worse is all the fit, skinny women (in their 30s and 40s) that prance around the room, doing the splits, making it look so easy. It's so hard to focus on your pain and body when the person next to you makes it all look so painless and she's so fit it makes you sick. The teachers are really helpful though and their motivational smiles really help when you are fighting with your mind to continue through the burn and shaking.
My mother is also on the path to losing weight. In some ways her struggle with exercising and eating well motivates me. I am hoping to lose 10-15 pounds and finally have the body that I really want. Toned, fit and something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to get back to the weight I was before I got married. Most of my friends don't notice that I've packed on the weight, I guess I carry it well, but I am uncomfortable in my own body and that's enough for me. I'm going to stick with this and I can only hope that it pays off. I know it takes a while, and I have to keep reminding myself of that, but it's really hard. It sucks and I hate it! Here's to another 2 weeks (for my next update) of soreness and mental exhaustion. Wish me luck!