Sunday, January 15, 2012

So Frustrated

What a wasted day.  I went into lab this afternoon to set up an experiment for Monday.  I have been trying to be really efficient, in the hopes that I get some good results, as soon as I can.  I have been in this program for a year and a half now and I HAVE NOTHING to show for it.  No results, nothing, zero, nada.  I've been coming in on the weekends, repeating experiments over and over again in the hopes that maybe it's a small thing that I keep screwing up.  I've spent the holidays in lab, in the hopes that maybe by being efficient, something will work, but still nothing.  On Friday I was speaking with my PI about the drug stock that I have been using to treat my cells.  Thats one of the problems I'm having.  The drug doesn't do what its supposed to.  Tons of papers and even the other graduate students in the lab have used the drug and shown that it has an effect on the expression of cancer causing proteins, but NOT ME!  Can you imagine how frustrating that is.  Can you imagine how upsetting and angering it is that I can't get it to work.  I keep thinking I'm doing something wrong.  Maybe I'm really stupid.  Maybe i'm not cut out for this. Something that should be so simple should NOT TAKE THIS LONG.

Finally on Friday, my PI pointed out that it may be the drug stock I am using.  I assured him that it occurred to me and I made a fresh stock of the drug.  He said no, this stock may not be any good.  I was confused and asked him what he meant.  He said well, why are you using this brand and not another brand (known to work).  I said because this is what the other graduate student told me to use.  She said both forms work.  He said, try using a different brand.  I agreed, that that is probably best, quite annoyed that every time I mention this to the other graduate student she tells me the stock is fine.  What do I know,  I trusted her. She has been working in this lab for almost 7 years now.

I went into lab today to set up and experiment to treat my cells with the other brand of the drug and realized we HAVE NONE.  All of my setup was for nothing.  I couldn't find the drug stock anywhere.  Now I have to order it and its going to take a week to get here.  Meanwhile all my efforts in growing my cells was for nothing.  I wasted my whole day in lab today and I won't be able to reproduce this experiment till next week, which also means, I fall a week behind. Not only has this not work over the past year but tack on another week. Fabulous.  I just want to shoot myself.  I texted the senior grad student to ask her about the other stock and she kept telling me we have some somewhere.  She has told me this quite a few times, but finally today she says, oh we might not have any.  I got even angrier.  Why do you tell me that now???  She also told me that both forms work and I can't tell you how many times she has told me that the form won't matter, but ALL the papers I have looked at don't use the form I was working with and I can guarantee that this form DOES NOT WORK.  Why does she keep telling me it works?  I feel like I have just been wasting my days away on a project that could have worked had I had good direction.

If this other form doesn't work, God help me! If it does, I will be relieve, but I will aslo be REALLY MAD that it took over a year for me to get results and it was a simple switch of the brand of the drug.

Now, I just realized, as I'm writing this, that it's raining.

What a blessing, rain makes the miseries of life so much better.  Thank you God!


  1. Don't give up! We're all behind you pulling for you - and don't necessarily believe everything people tell you.....

  2. You'll be learning something new at every step of the way; except some steps just take longer than others. PhD research can be very listen to the advice you receive, but also keep an open mind to other possibilities and ideas! =)



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